Letters to My Baby – Finding your Voice
The “A Letter to My…” series has been an incredible experience that has given us an opportunity to hear touching stories from people in all walks of life. And as we continue to receive even more heartfelt letters for A Letter to My Baby we wanted to share some of them a little early. This is planned to be an ongoing series that will give a glimpse of what is to come from the project and book.
Our latest letter comes from blogger Amanda Holder, who can usually be found at All About Boog writing about Autism and her adorable son, Boog.
To My Dearest Lucas,
How is it that one person has the power to have made me both the most terrified and the most confident person in my whole life? The terrified portion came when you were far too small to even see. You were right here inside me and I was blessed with the opportunity to provide you with the protection you needed to grow. I never knew that kind of responsibility and was so nervous that I wouldn’t do everything as perfectly as I could. I took my charge more seriously than any challenge before, and you were born perfect. The most beautiful wonder I could have ever imagined. When placed in my arms, I softly spoke my first words to you, “Hello Lucas. I’m your Mommy”. And do you know what you did? You opened those big beautiful eyes and looked right up at me. You knew my voice. You made me the happiest person in the world.
The next months were spent celebrating so many exciting firsts for both me and you. You see, I’m an only child without much family other than Nana and Papa. You were the first little baby I ever held, the first I had ever fed, the first I had ever loved.
By making you my world, I kept my responsibility of making sure you had everything you needed to thrive. At the same time, you had a wonderful Daddy, Nana and Papa making sure you knew more love than possible to measure. You were the most beautiful and happy baby anyone had ever seen. Whenever we were out, people stopped us to tell me how gorgeous you were. You even had an adorable little toddler girl follow us around a entire store because she thought you were the cutest baby ever. Those big beautiful eyes and sweet smile melted every heart and still do today.
Soon after your first birthday, I was worried that you might need extra help in doing some things other babies were doing at your age. We had to make appointments to see many people until we found the perfect ones that could help us. I’m sorry I was so sad sometimes, Lucas. I’m sorry you saw Mommy look scared. It wasn’t you. It was never anything you did. I just wanted to be the best Mommy I could be for you, and that meant making very hard decisions without knowing if they were the right ones. Sometimes I had to force people to listen to me because you hadn’t found your voice. They didn’t understand you, but I did. You have never needed words to talk to me, so I became your voice. It is one of the most important tasks I’ve ever been given.
You have educated me so much, Lucas, and made me strong in situations I didn’t think I could be. I’m so sorry you had to go through all of those tests over the years. I would have gladly had each one done on me instead. When we finally understood you had Autism, I was afraid. I didn’t understand what that word really meant and I focused only on the limitations. You were officially diagnosed at two and you’re now six. In those four years I have become more informed, strong and proud than any other mother in the world. You gave me the reason to become selfless, yet strong; understanding, yet firm; afraid, yet unrelenting. You taught me how to become an advocate.
I give this promise to you: I will never stop fighting to make sure you have everything you need, I will stand up when others don’t see me, and I will speak my mind even if my voice quivers. I could never do those things before and that’s how you have made me a better person. I know sometimes you get frustrated because you can’t speak yet, but please know I hear every word. I know you love me, Lucas, and the rest of my life will be spent making sure you know, without a doubt, that I love you.
With all the love in my heart now and forever,Mommy